Have you ever wondered why you seem to keep attracting the same kind of relationships into your life? Or perhaps you notice repeating life experiences: different people and scenarios, but same feelings.
Why is this?!
Most of us are carrying trauma from our childhood in our bodies and we may not even realize it. We tend to accumulate a lot of unresolved trauma in childhood because we are the most vulnerable and have the least amount of resources to protect ourselves and to process our experiences. Many of us shut down as a survival strategy because we do not know any other way. The problem with shutting down or repressing emotions is that these painful childhood experiences stay stuck in our bodies as unresolved trauma. Trauma lodged in the body can eventually lead to disease or emotional issues, so the mind/body does what it can to resolve the past which usually results in these traumas being played out again and again in life until we acknowledge our pain and heal it.
Want to know what painful memories are lodged in your body?
Look at your life patterns and especially your romantic partners.
No one can trigger us like a romantic partner because we tend to be the most vulnerable with them, and parent/child wounding tends to play out in these relationships. A woman who did not get the love and validation she needed from her father will likely (subconsciously) choose a man who simply cannot be there for her the way she wants (due to his own inner child wounding), and she may desperately yearn for the love and validation that never seems to come though she keeps hoping. She can bring healing to herself by giving love, respect, and validation to her wounded inner little girl. So simple yet not always that easy.
Our inner wounded child is part of our subconscious mind. The subconscious is like a radio tower broadcasting our (hidden) subconscious beliefs into the world attracting people and situations into our lives that are a vibrational match to our beliefs about ourselves, relationships, and how the world works. (For example: “I am a victim” gets sent out, so “predators” come into your life even if you do not consciously feel like a victim.) Many of our limiting beliefs are subconscious, and we are often totally unaware that they are running as powerful programs in our lives. Most of us have hidden self-sabotaging beliefs from childhood that are created as a result of abuse, neglect, or trauma. Children tend to internalize abuse and often believe they deserve the abuse because something is wrong with them. We can learn as adults that we did not deserve mistreatment, but these subconscious beliefs (and all the people and situations they attract) will continue to follow us throughout life until we can create new healthy subconscious beliefs, and one way to do this is through loving and validating our inner child.
You can uncover your hidden limiting beliefs by accessing the young inner you who is still carrying these beliefs and the associated traumas. When something extremely painful happens and is unresolved, a part of our consciousness splinters off and holds this pain; this part of our consciousness resides in our subconscious mind. Getting in touch with these splintered versions of ourselves is a way off getting in touch with our subconscious beliefs. A person may have a splintered 40 year old wounded inner “child” from a traumatic divorce who needs some validation and love. It is likely that when he resolves his younger traumas, the 40 year old wounded self will likely feel better as well since his 40 year old’s pain is likely a reenactment of an earlier trauma.
You can use this “40 year old self” as an ally to start investigating your younger traumas.
How does this 40 year old self feel? What early memories carry the same mix of emotions?
Pay attention to your youngest painful memories that feel similar to what you are experiencing now. An example may be: Your male boss speaks to you in a disrespectful manner and you feel really really frustrated. You may then remember how your father ridiculed you for getting a low grade even though you tried really hard, so you felt frustrated. Healing this wounded part of your little self will likely result in less people speaking to you disrespectfully (since your subconscious will stop broadcasting “Men speak disrespectfully to me” or “Authority figures disrespect me”…whatever the actual belief may be) and will likely change how to you react to the disrespectful people who do show up (little or no frustration).
–Be patient. It may take some time to feel like you have really connected with your younger inner self. They (I will be using this gender neutral pronoun for this article) may need some time to trust that you are really going to be there for them. Adults may have betrayed them before.
–Spend a few minutes everyday talking to and loving your inner child; this builds trust. They need to know that you are not going to abandon them, so they can feel safe to open up and share the really scary feelings they have been holding all alone for years. Assure them you will never leave them, and they never have to be alone again!
–You may want to have some photos of you or a stuffed animal from your childhood to help you make the connection and to sooth your little one.
-Remember that the subconscious (your little one is part of your subconscious) cannot tell the difference between you saying something or someone else. The subconscious exists in the present moment so you can re-frame past painful experiences by visualizing them differently and saying things to yourself that you wish someone had said to you when you were little. Perhaps your little one would really like to hear your Mom say, “I am so sorry I hurt you. You did not deserve that.” You may need to repeat these words again and again over several days, weeks, or months. Your little one will let you know what they need.
-If you do not know what to say, try saying “I love you” over and over with a lot of feeling. This may feel strange at first because it is new. Repetition will make it more familiar and feel more “real.” The immune system responds to your moment dominant thought so you can super charge your healing by saying “I love you” as much as possible throughout the day. I found it difficult to say “I love you” with a lot of feeling until I felt in my heart the deep unconditional love I have for my dogs. I then directed this sweet love to myself and held a childhood stuffed animal as if it were me as a little child.
–Validate, Validate, Validate!! Honor how she is feeling even if you as an adult feel some resistance or have judgments. A part of you still feels this way and needs to be acknowledged, so the feelings can be healed and cleared. You can say things like, “Yes that was really unfair. I am so sorry that happened to you” or “Thank you for sharing with me how angry you are. You have every right to be angry and your feelings matter.”
–Consider inviting your inner child to be a part of fun age appropriate activities like hiking or cuddling with animals. You may also want to ask them what they want for dinner or what would feel good to them right now. These suggestions may seem silly but spending a lot of time with your little one can help the adult you feel less lonely and more supported.
-You may want to work with many different ages of your inner child. Think about how old you were when traumatic or difficult things happened. There may be a splintered part of your consciousness from these experiences that need some love and validation.
Let’s connect with our inner child
The following is a sample experience. There are many ways to connect with your inner child; just be sure to give a lot of love. Use your intuition and adjust the following suggestions accordingly. Each day can bring new surprises and needs from your inner child.
Even just a few minutes a day can have a huge impact on your sense of well-being.
1 Find a comfortable place to relax with some deep and slow breathing. Slowly breathing (5 second inhales and exhales) helps your nervous system to feel safe.
2 Begin to visualize yourself as a child, and if you find this challenging, try to feel what it feels like to be in the presence of an innocent little child. You may have an age already picked out or perhaps an age spontaneously comes up to be seen.
3 Introduce yourself as someone who will never leave them and loves them unconditionally. Let them know that they are perfect just as they are.
4 Tell them how sorry you are that they got hurt. Tell them it was not their fault and that they deserved so much better.
5 Consider saying things to them that you wished a parent had said to you like, “I am so sorry I was not around very much to play with you.” or “I am so sorry I hurt you.” Remember that the subconscious cannot tell the difference between you saying something or someone else.
6 Let them know that you are very excited to be in contact with them and that you want to know all about their feelings and thoughts and that it is safe to share them with you.
7 Ask them if there are any thoughts or feelings they wants to share with you right now.
8 Give them a chance to say whatever they wished they had been able to say to someone who hurt them. Give them permission to speak up, and that it is okay to say anything. Give them a voice. Let them get out some of their anger!
9 Ask them if there is anything they want from you.
10 Make sure to validate whatever they share; this is very important, so they feel heard, accepted, and loved.
11 Assure them you will check in on them everyday (or at least regularly), and that they will never be alone again. Let them know you are supporting them and loving them unconditionally.
Your wounded inner child can show up anytime and often does when you are feeling triggered, sad, angry, lonely, or frustrated. Take some time to check in with them when you are having tough emotions come up. It is likely that whatever has caused the emotions is at least somewhat similar to an unhealed experience that your little one still carries. Remember that whatever you are feeling is totally valid and there is an important reason for these emotions. Try to let go of any judgments about what you are feeling. Acknowledge and validate all that you and your inner child are feeling and thinking.
Keep track of what your wounded inner child shares with you, especially the things they say they need from you, and do your best to provide them. Be patient as this new relationship grows and evolves, and always meet your little one and yourself with a lot of love and acceptance.