Let’s face it. This year has been hard in ways most of us never imagined before. It has been the perfect conditions for getting triggered: that feeling that you are about to blow up, run away, or maybe even shut down. These are all trauma responses, and there is a good reason why our body does this.
Our brain cannot distinguish between a threat that could kill us and a threat that just hurts our feelings.
How did you respond to your parents being upset with you when you were young? There is a good chance you still do this now.
When we get triggered, we tend to age regress to a time when we felt a similar mix of feelings, but the circumstances and people involved are usually different.
We age regress back to a part of our self that is holding onto unresolved pain or limiting beliefs.
What does this mean? Now we are an 8 year old trying to handle an adult situation, and not just any 8 year old….an angry, scared, lonely, or hurt 8 year old.
When our hurt 8 year old comes out and speaks for us, things usually go downhill. 8 year olds simply do not have the emotional resources and communication skills to handle charged adult situations.
The common result: now both people in the argument are triggered and there are no longer any adults in the conversation.
It is important to note that an upset 8 year old may not want to get angry as that could be viewed as unsafe or not acceptable. We might leave the room or go into shutdown, where it is incredibly difficult to think, speak, or even move.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? I bet it does if you are a human.
Can you notice when you are starting to go into your triggered response? What does your body do? How do you feel?
Maybe:
-you get red
-you get hot
-your heart starts to pound
-you feel light-headed
-your palms get sweaty
-you feel like you are in a tunnel and can’t hear very well
-you feel anxious
-you feel like you are about to explode
-you feel like you are about 6 inches tall
-your mind runs through all the ways you can get out of there FAST!
-your self-esteem plummets
It is important to pay attention when any of these signs are starting to come on. This gives us a window to attend to the hurt part inside of us before we get fully triggered with the resulting chaos after.
Getting triggered is an unpleasant experience, but it is also a potent healing opportunity. This helps us to see where we still need healing.
When we are triggered, only a certain percentage is about the present moment, and it is likely the majority of the emotions that are coming up are about the past. This is why it may feel like we are having an overly strong reaction to what is happening.
So now what?
I got you. 🙂
Step by Step on how to handle getting triggered
1 Recognize what is going on in your body and that you are heading toward getting triggered.
2 Respectfully excuse yourself from the situation and find some privacy. You don’t want to storm off here as this could put the other person on high alert. Remember they have their own hurt inner child as well.
“This is important to me and you are important to me. I want to talk about this but I need a little time.”
3 Attend to the hurt part inside. See this part as a little child, because they likely are.
“Hey. I can feel you having a hard time. I am here with you.”
4 Offer compassionate words and validate the feelings you and your inner part are having.
“I am so sorry you are hurting. I know this is so hard. I totally get why you are frustrated and disappointed.”
5 Boost them up. Self-esteem and self-worth often really suffer when we are upset.
“You are such a beautiful person. You deserve so much love. You are so important to me.”
6 Give them the coaching they need as the wise older loving adult.
“It is ok to be angry. You are not doing anything wrong by being upset about what happened. You put a lot of effort into this because of the agreement we made with Sally. It is not ok that Sally left all of the work and expenses on you. It is important to let Sally know how we feel because Sally is important to us, and we deserve to have a good relationship with Sally. It can be scary, but I will do the talking for you. I will be here to take care of you if Sally does not respond well. If Sally gets upset, it is not your fault. We are not responsible for her feelings. We are responsible for communicating in a respectful manner.”
7 Find your “center.” This may take minutes, hours, or longer, but often if we take the time to comfort and uplift the hurt part inside, we can usually go back to the conversation that day. Express what needs to be said from your calm, assertive, confident, wiser present day self. Your voice may shake and it may be really hard, but this is you taking care of yourself.
You can think of this as investing in your relationship with this other person. This helps you to show up more powerfully and to deepen your connection with the other person. Others won’t know what bothers us unless we let them know.
We teach people how to treat us, so we need to speak up.
I know that is hard, especially if we grew up with explosive parents.
Whether the person responds well or not, it is a win win for us. We get to support (which is healing) the hurt part inside and take a stand for the type of relationship we want with the other person. The other person gets to step and meet us or may not be able to which is ok. We now know more about this person and can now adjust how we want to relate to them in the future.
Make sure to do any follow up care if the other person does not respond well. Our hurt part inside needs to be reminded, they did not do anything wrong and they are still so lovable.
If you never received nurturing words as a child this can be difficult to do. You may need someone to model this for you. Let’s have a chat and discuss how I can support you and your inner child with your healing goals.
Ready to become the person you were meant to be without the filters of past trauma? Let’s connect.
Book your free 30+ minute Discovery Call with this link.
Or visit my book page.
